If you know me in “real” life or have read my blog before, you probably know that I lost my first child, Francis, to miscarriage just over two years ago.  Sadly, a friend of mine had a miscarriage last week.  Since hearing about her loss, I’ve been thinking a lot about Francis, my experience with miscarriage and how best to be there for my friend and others suffering the loss of a child.

Losing a child, born or unborn, is one of the greatest pains a parent can experience.  To make matters worse, in a society that doesn’t always value life, miscarriage is often seen as merely the loss of a pregnancy.  But to a parent, a miscarriage is so much more.  It is the loss of a precious child who was loved and wanted.  To a grandparent, miscarriage is the loss of a dear grandchild.  To a child, it is the loss of a brother or sister and anticipated playmate.  And to a mother, miscarriage is the loss of a life that we looked forward to carrying and nurturing, not just for the remainder of our pregnancy, but for the rest of our lives.  We do not grieve the loss of our pregnancies; we grieve the loss of our children.

No matter how long they are with us, our children change us.  I suppose when you love anyone as deeply as you love your children, you are changed.  Losing a child, too, changes us.  Love and suffering, especially when intertwined, greatly impact our lives.  Even more so, there is something about a mutual suffering that binds two people together like nothing else can.

I know it may sound strange to say this, but I am thankful for my miscarriage.  I am thankful for the blessing of my precious Francis, for the joy that he brought to our lives in the short time that he was with us, and for his eternal life as a saint in heaven.  I am thankful for the changes that occurred in me, in my attitude, and in my marriage as a result of our love for Francis and the suffering of losing him.  I’m thankful for Caleb, who, if not for losing Francis, wouldn’t be here at all. 

I know it’s cliche to say, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  Nothing is outside of God’s perfect plan and “God works all things for good for those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).  Losing a child isn’t something you “get over,” but you do move forward, carrying your child with you in your heart.  There is healing, hope, peace, and even joy in the midst of the suffering. 

“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.“ 1 Samuel 1:27,28  

During my pregnancy, it didn’t matter what I ate, I gained weight.  I could eat salads or ice cream, either way, the number on the scale continued to rise.  By the end of my pregnancy I had packed on 50 pounds.  In the days following my son’s birth, the weight literally fell off…two pounds one day, three the next…  It was wonderful!  But, after I had lost the water weight that I had retained during pregnancy, my weight loss came to a screeching halt.  I knew I was going to have to work to shed those last pounds.  I told myself that I would be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time my son was nine months old.  Well, nine months came and went quicker than I could have ever imagined and I had still not reached my goal weight.  So, I set a new goal.  Surely by the time my baby turned one I would have no problem losing the weight, right?  Wrong.  His birthday passed and I was still hanging on to those last 10 pounds.  When I took my son in for his one-year check-up, I had my annual physical as well.  My doctor calculated my BMI as “borderline overweight.”  That was the last straw.  I had to do something to lose the last of my baby weight and I had to do it quick!  

With all of the busyness and sleep deprivation that go along with motherhood, I was left with little time to devote to exercise.  On top of that, a car accident in August left me with a herniated disk in my lower back, making it painful to do much more than walk.  A stringent exercise regiment was simply not an option for me.  I knew I needed to make a change in my diet.  However, even with the best of intentions, when you’re short on time, it can be difficult to prepare the healthiest meals on a daily basis.  I needed something quick and convenient that I could easily fit into my daily schedule.  Enter Visalus and the weight is falling off again.  Visalus makes a meal replacement shake called Vi-Shape that I began having for breakfast every day.  I began the 90-day challenge with a goal of losing 10 pounds.  In the first six weeks, changing nothing else, I have already lost six pounds.  The shakes taste great, are affordable (less than $2 per serving when mixed with milk), and nutritious.  I can drink my shake while I feed my son his breakfast or on my drive to work. 

My husband began taking the Vi-Shape shakes, too.  His goals are not to lose weight, but to maintain his current weight, add nutrition and build muscle.  Because we are both taking the product daily and loving the results, we have decided to become Visalus distributors as well.  Referring others to a product that not only works but tastes great is something we would do anyway; we figured we might as well get paid for it.  Please visit our website or email kirkandbrenda@bodyby90.com if you’re interested in losing weight or earning money (or both!) with Visalus Sciences and the Body by Vi Challenge.

I’ve been doing my best to cook homemade, healthy meals, while at the same time, trying to save as much money as possible on groceries.  Part of the goal to save money means that we need to eat our leftovers rather than let them go to waste.  The other day, I had some leftover meatloaf and wanted to make it into something new.  So, I hopped online and searched for “leftover meatloaf recipe ideas.”

There were several ideas that talked about crumbling the meatloaf up, mixing it with pasta and adding a cheese or marinara sauce.  Sounds good, right?  I boiled some macaroni, made a cheese sauce, crumbled my meatloaf, and mixed it all together.  It was horrible!  The color and consistency reminded me of dog food and it didn’t taste much better.  My husband and I ate as much as we could stomach, but ended up throwing most of it away.  My cheesy-meatloaf-macaroni was by far the worst thing I’ve ever made!

What’s the worst cooking mishap you’ve had?  Let’s share, lighten up, and laugh about our mistakes.

Two years ago (January 13, 2009) we lost our first child, Francis.  Last week I got out the journal that I started writing in shortly thereafter.  I cried my eyes out as I read through the pages, remembering how deep my pain was.  But in those pages, I also gleaned some wisdom. 

On February 17, 2009, I wrote, “I long to hold you in my arms, feed you, wake up in the middle of the night to comfort you…I long to ‘mother’ you…”  I was actually longing to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby!  Now, for the past 11 months, I’ve been complaining about having to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. 

In the midst of the sleep deprivation and all the responsibilities that go along with motherhood, I think I’ve lost sight of just what a blessing it all is.  All of it, even waking up in the middle of the night, is a tremendous blessing!  It’s a blessing just to be a mother…and an even greater blessing to have a healthy child.  I need to keep that perspective to prevent myself from drowning in the (sometimes unpleasant, but oh-so-rewarding) details that come with motherhood.

Like most families, my family is on a budget.  Since I do most of the shopping, I’m constantly looking for ways to save money.  I was excited to get a subscription to our local paper, not because I enjoy reading it (I don’t usually read any of it), but because I love the coupons.  Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy clipping coupons.  In a way, it’s relaxing.  It’s one of the few household chores (if you can call it a chore) that I can do sitting down in front of the TV.  It’s exciting to see my total savings with each trip to the grocery store.  By combining my coupons with the store’s weekly specials and shopping on “double coupon” days, I save even more.  

In addition to clipping coupons from the local paper, I’ve signed up for some great money-saving sites online.  Groupon.com and Ebates.com are both completely free and can save you a bundle…especially if you plan on doing any online Christmas shopping.  When you sign up at Groupon.com, you get a daily email notification of a deal for your area.  Deals typically include 50%-80% off at local restaurants, salons, movie theaters, dental offices (including teeth whitening), etc.  Awesome ideas for date nights…

Ebates.com is the newest money-saving site I’ve discovered.  When you start your online shopping at Ebates.com, you earn cash back on your purchase.  The site also gives you access to coupon codes for special deals ($25 off, free shipping, etc.) at stores such as DSW, JCPenney, and A Pea in the Pod.  If you plan on doing any of your Christmas shopping online, why not start at Ebates.com and get cash back on everything you were going to buy anyway?

Big savings = happy shopping, happy shopping = happy wife, and, as my husband says, happy wife = happy life.

Direction for Our Times shares monthly messages given to “Anne” from Jesus.  Today’s message really spoke to me, so I thought I would share it here.  Regardless of whether or not you believe that Jesus truly spoke these words to Anne, the message rings true – He loves each and every one of us, cares about our needs, listens to our cries, and answers our prayers.

Dearest apostle, be assured of My good will toward you. At times, I see that you forget that you have a beloved and constant friend. I am a friend who never finds you tiresome or difficult. I am with you during your calm periods and during your storms. I find you a precious companion regardless of your disposition in any moment. Think of someone whose companionship you crave or whose companionship you craved in the past. Just the thought of spending time with that person could bring you consolation. With that person, you felt comfortable, safe and there was joy. You could be yourself and felt that you fit well with this other. Dear apostle, for you, I am that other. For Me, you are that other. We fit together. When you are with Me, you are with the one who completely understands you and completely loves you. My love for you is sympathetic, understanding and unchangeable. My love for you will weather any strain or pain, any mistake or any emotional storm you experience. I will never leave you. I will always love you and welcome you in My heart. Your answers and your clarity will be found with Me. Sometimes, dear apostle, you fear that I am not giving you the answers you require. This is not true. If you need an answer from Me, you will receive it. If a course correction is necessary, I will direct you to it. Your prayers are instantly at home in My heart and I rejoice that you have come to Me with these requests. It is not possible that a beloved apostle will be rejected. Do not think that I ignore your pain or that your pain leaves Me indifferent. You, dear apostle, have shown Me that you are interested in My pain which will always involve the pain of humanity. This moves My heart to the greatest generosity. I answer your prayers in a mystical way. Some day you will see that I answered your prayers in the most beneficial way possible, given the intention. Many unnecessary calamities are avoided because of prayer. The greatest mercy flows down to your loved ones through your prayers, even though you suffer terribly when you see your loved ones hurt or when you must be separated from them, particularly when you do not expect to be separated from them. I am the merciful Christ in all of these situations. Understanding will come, dear friend. Believe in your prayers. Believe in My merciful presence with you. Believe in the impact of your service and believe in the gratitude I have for you, even when you do not feel it.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I plan on writing a piece later, dedicated to our Francis.  But, for now, I just cannot help but share this story…  (from http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=211857)

When Abigail Seidman was 10 years old her mother had an abortion. Abigail suspects her father was not the baby’s father, and her parents eventually divorced.

Abigail describes her childhood until that time as normal. But the abortion “radicalized” her mother, Abigail told me, who came to decide abortion had not only been the right decision for her but was also good in a moral sense.

“She began to celebrate her abortion,” Abigail said, “explaining that now I would remain an only child.” But young Abigail was secretly horrified, because she had always wanted a sibling.

Abigail’s mother was and is a nurse. She became more involved in feminism and the abortion culture. She decided to switch careers and began working at her local abortion mill in Toledo, Ohio, as well as her local Planned Parenthood, which did not commit abortions.

On Abigail’s 11th birthday, her mother put her on the birth-control pill, admonishing her not to have sex but to nevertheless take precautions, since she could be raped. “Rape was a particular obsession,” Abigail told me. “I lived in absolute terror of it for my entire adolescence. The feminist mantra ‘every man is a potential rapist’ was frequently repeated.”

As Abigail’s mother became more deeply involved with feminism, she told Abigail all people were naturally bisexual and androgynous and that gender and sexuality were merely social constructs. She cut Abigail’s waist-length hair short, which she was not allowed to grow out again until she was an adult. She encouraged Abigail at age 12 to identify openly as a bisexual and forced her to wear GLBT pins on her backpack.

Abigail was raised Episcopalian, but the abortion prompted her mother to change religions. The clinic owner where Abigail’s mother worked was a Wiccan. Most of her new friends followed a Wicca-oriented New Age path and worshipped fertility, warrior and death goddesses. Abigail’s mother dabbled in all the aforementioned but settled on Buddhism. She banned Bibles and discussion of Christianity from the house.

“I dutifully wore the crystal and goddess jewelry I was given and the ubiquitous Birkenstock sandals,” Abigail said. “I told people at school I was a witch, although when pressed I could never articulate exactly what that was or what I did that made me one.”

When Abigail turned 13 her mother began pulling her from school on Fridays to work as what pro-lifers call a “deathscort” at her abortion mill, one who attempts to usher pregnant mothers past pro-life sidewalk counselors into the mill before they can hear or see anything that would cause them to change their minds.

Abigail developed a mixed view of pro-lifers. Some were friendly and sympathetic, but some were noisy and militant.

“The worst part was when they would try to persuade me to agree with their view,” Abigail told me, “little realizing I already did. But if I admitted it, the other deathscorts would report back to my mother and I would be punished.”

Abigail developed her secret pro-life beliefs by reading “hostile” pro-life books at the abortion clinic, by listening to sidewalk counselors, by seeing graphic photos of aborted babies at the mill and by learning about fetal development in school.

And Abigail was greatly impacted by post-abortive mothers “coming in and out, often crying, sometimes downcast with a hostile-looking partner or parent dragging them along by the arm, sometimes lashing out in rage – but never, ever calm, confident and happy, which is what I had been told, over and over again, was in fact the case: Everyone who has an abortion wants one.  Everyone feels relieved afterwards.  No one ever suffers psychological ill effects, whether before, during, or afterwards – and if they say they do, it’s only because they’ve been brainwashed by evil Christians who want to keep women barefoot, pregnant and illiterate.  They must have been weak.  That’s not our fault.  We did what was best for them and now they’re being ungrateful.  They should just grow up and get over it.”

Abigail first smoked marijuana at the clinic owner’s house at age 15. Drug use within the abortion culture is “quite common,” Abigail told me, “particularly marijuana and LSD.” Pot was kept at the clinic and “smoked communally after work each day.”

At age 18, Abigail went off to college and accidentally got pregnant. She and her boyfriend both opposed abortion but didn’t think they were ready to raise a baby. They decided on adoption.

But Abigail’s mother would hear none of that. A controlling and volatile woman, she threatened to cut off Abigail’s school funding unless she aborted. She insisted that Abigail fly home and abort at her clinic, where she would gather friends to celebrate.

“I got the VIP treatment,” Abigail said. “Before I knew it I was on the table and waiting for everyone to crowd in so the doctor could begin.  There were eight people in the room, including my mother’s two best friends. One drove 100 miles. They were so excited.  They kept saying things to me like, ‘You’re part of the sisterhood now!’”

When it was over, Abigail’s mother looked at her with tears in her eyes and told her how proud she was. Despite Abigail’s previous academic and artistic accomplishment, she realized “this was the only time in my life that my mother had ever said she was proud of me.”

I asked Abigail about the abortion worship I’d heard so much about. “It is very real,” she explained. “It can sound fantastical, but some go so far as to worship death goddesses like Kali and Hecate and consider abortion to be a form of sacrifice. They are often obsessed with their menstruation and blood as well.”

After her abortion, Abigail’s good grades spiraled downward. Both she and her boyfriend eventually dropped out of school and drifted apart. She became addicted to eating – anorexia and bulimia – partying and cutting.

When she was 22, Abigail met her husband and began to get her life back together. After several miscarriages, they had two children before Abigail was rendered infertile when her endometrium had to be removed during early-intervention cancer treatment.

Abigail continued some of her destructive habits until last year when her oldest son was diagnosed with autism. She began conducting online research for help, but got nowhere with the atheist groups. “Their overwhelming response was, ‘I’m sorry you weren’t able to find out and abort him in time.’”

The thought of not having her son, difficult though his condition sometimes is, was unthinkable.  “I realized I was a good mother, a loving mother and, most importantly, now, without question, a pro-life mother,” she said.

Abigail began to research Christianity, which “somehow didn’t seem as hostile and threatening now.  In fact, it seemed like just what I needed.”

Four months ago Abigail accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior. She signs off her e-mails now with a line by St. Augustine: “You have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” Amen.

At the same time Abigail became actively involved with the pro-life movement. Last month, she shared her testimony at a Silent No More post-abortive rally and then did a radio interview. Her mother now refuses to speak to her.

But Abigail’s heart is for her mother and the abortion culture. She wrote in her testimony:

As important as my faith now is to me, it is not the most important lesson I want people to take away from this.

It is important to recognize and effectively counter the culture of death that drives the abortion industry.  Most people who are pro-choice have no idea about it.  If they have given the issue any thought at all, they view it as either a religious one – “Christians hate women and sex” – or a civil-rights one – “Women have the right to make their own reproductive decisions.” Many are unaware of the scientific facts about fetal development.  Many are unaware of the statistics and medical facts regarding miscarriages, infertility, infection, ectopic pregnancy, difficult births, cancers and mental-health issues that so often occur in post-abortive women.  Many are unaware of the non-religious arguments against abortion.

It is worth noting that I considered myself pro-life – although not an activist – for 10 years before coming to belief in God.  I was, and am, pro-life because I believe that the potential negative physical and mental effects on women outweigh the dubious positive of “not having to have a baby,” and that the fetus, from the moment of conception, is a separate human being with unique DNA who deserves the right to life as much as any person, regardless of their state of weakness, helplessness, or dependency.

The value of a person is without measure.  It cannot – should not – be measured by intelligence, strength, appearance, economic status, ability to communicate, mobility, or any other subjective manmade standard.  A person is a person, and if we allow – even encourage – them to be killed in abortion, then all manner of currently unspeakable horrors may become commonplace.

I have hope that this may not come to pass.  Through a combination of effective outreach and activism, prayer, public testimony, sidewalk counseling and simple private conversations, I believe we can – and will – change this world, one person at a time, from an uncaring, selfish, shallow culture of death to a vibrant, joyful culture of life.

Note: Abigail Seidman may be contacted through Jill Stanek via e-mail.

Six months?!?!?!  Yes, it’s already been six months since you were born.  I probably sound like a broken record, but I can’t believe how fast the time has gone.  It seems like you change every day.  Every day you learn something new.  Every day I fall more in love with you. 

You give the sweetest hugs and kisses now, and the other day you said your first word, “Mama.”  Daddy didn’t believe me until he heard you say it again the next day.  The day after that, you said “Mom.”  Music to my ears!  It seems like you babble nonstop, which is also music to my ears; your noises are so cute!  Your most recent achievement is sitting up on your own for a few minutes before tipping over.  You love to do your “exercises.”  We start by laying you on the couch (or floor), then I hold your hands and gently pull you up into a sitting position.  From there, I gently pull your hands again and you stand up.  You’re so smart, you usually start to stand up before I even pull you up.  You love to stand and you’ve got the strong legs to do so! 

Your little hands are constantly exploring.  Daddy likes to lay on the couch with you in the mornings and let you bat at his face.  When I nurse you, your arm is in constant motion!  You grab at my face, my hand, and pretty much anything within reach!  One of your favorite “games” to play with Mommy and Daddy is to roll from your back to your tummy, then struggle and fuss until one of us comes to roll you back over or pick you up…you do this several times a day.  One of your other newly discovered “games” is throwing your toys on the floor for Mommy to pick up and give back to you.  You’ve recently started sleeping better at night, now only waking up to eat once or twice each night (this is a big improvement over waking up every three or four hours as you had been).  Around two-months-old, you all but quit taking naps, sleeping longer than 20 minutes at a time only when I held you.  But, you’ve recently started taking hour-long naps again!  What a good boy!

I cannot say enough about you, Caleb.  You have brought such joy into our lives.  Your Daddy and I are truly blessed to have such a wonderful son!  In my eyes, you are perfect.  You are such a happy, smiley boy; I can’t help but smile when I look at your adorable face.  Your laughter fills our home with happiness.  You have exceeded my highest expectations and fulfilled my dreams for a family.  I love you, Caleb!  Happy half birthday! 

Hearing my son laugh for the first time brought me such joy.  I still remember the date (April 29th), the place (living room couch), and the cause (playing “So Big!”).  Ever since that first laugh, it has been my daily goal to get those giggles rolling.  Today, thanks to my husband, there was no shortage of laughter! 

We went to Golfsmith to pick up a new driver for my husband, Kirk.  He was taking a few practice swings while Caleb and I watched.  After the first couple swings, Caleb let out a little giggle.  When Kirk hit the golf ball, Caleb jumped, then burst into laughter.  With every swing, whether Kirk hit the ball or not, Caleb laughed hysterically.  Hearing him laugh, made me laugh so much I was almost in tears.  Other people in the store started stopping to get in on the laughs.  Some thought I was tickling him or whispering something in his ear to get him to laugh, but it was all for the golf swing.

Later, Kirk was making little faces at Caleb and he was laughing hysterically again.  It was a good day.  

There’s nothing I love more than being a mother and spending time with my sweet boy.  At just over five months, Caleb has started giving hugs.  He grabs me with his little arms and buries his face into my shoulder.  He hugged his daddy today, too, and I’m sure he would agree that nothing in the world could be better than a hug from our son!  Caleb is such a blessing and I love every moment with him.  Even after a rough night, when he’s up five or six times to eat, going in to get him out of his crib in the morning and seeing that big smile on his face, brings a smile to my face, too. 

There are definitely challenges to motherhood.  Spending hours with a fussy baby (when I know he’s hungry but he screams every time I try to feed him) is frustrating – no matter how much you love your child.  Finding time to shower, cook, or do anything for myself is nearly impossible.  But even on my toughest day, when I’m running on no sleep, Caleb is extra fussy and won’t let me put him down, I’ve got a headache and there’s no food in the house, it’s absolutely worth it.  

I know every mother probably thinks this about their child, but Caleb has got to be the cutest baby in the world!  He is unbelievably precious.  Every facial expression he makes is priceless.  Every noise he makes is adorable.  His laughter lights up the room.  Caleb loves to be outdoors, he loves his baths, his toys, songs, and, most of all, he loves his mommy.  Caleb does not nap well – I’m lucky if I can get him down for half an hour in his crib.  However, he’ll nap for hours in my arms or when I’m driving.  He’s getting better about sleeping through the night, sometimes sleeping for six hours straight, but he still has nights when he’s up every two or three hours.  He can rollover from belly to back and from back to belly, but he doesn’t do it often.  Caleb can almost sit up by himself and I have a feeling he’ll be crawling soon.  During tummy time, he pulls his legs up so he’s on his knees – now he just needs to get up on his arms and he’ll be in business!