March 25, 2011
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A Child Lost, but not Forgotten
If you know me in “real” life or have read my blog before, you probably know that I lost my first child, Francis, to miscarriage just over two years ago. Sadly, a friend of mine had a miscarriage last week. Since hearing about her loss, I’ve been thinking a lot about Francis, my experience with miscarriage and how best to be there for my friend and others suffering the loss of a child.
Losing a child, born or unborn, is one of the greatest pains a parent can experience. To make matters worse, in a society that doesn’t always value life, miscarriage is often seen as merely the loss of a pregnancy. But to a parent, a miscarriage is so much more. It is the loss of a precious child who was loved and wanted. To a grandparent, miscarriage is the loss of a dear grandchild. To a child, it is the loss of a brother or sister and anticipated playmate. And to a mother, miscarriage is the loss of a life that we looked forward to carrying and nurturing, not just for the remainder of our pregnancy, but for the rest of our lives. We do not grieve the loss of our pregnancies; we grieve the loss of our children.
No matter how long they are with us, our children change us. I suppose when you love anyone as deeply as you love your children, you are changed. Losing a child, too, changes us. Love and suffering, especially when intertwined, greatly impact our lives. Even more so, there is something about a mutual suffering that binds two people together like nothing else can.
I know it may sound strange to say this, but I am thankful for my miscarriage. I am thankful for the blessing of my precious Francis, for the joy that he brought to our lives in the short time that he was with us, and for his eternal life as a saint in heaven. I am thankful for the changes that occurred in me, in my attitude, and in my marriage as a result of our love for Francis and the suffering of losing him. I’m thankful for Caleb, who, if not for losing Francis, wouldn’t be here at all.
I know it’s cliche to say, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is outside of God’s perfect plan and “God works all things for good for those who love Him” (Romans 8:28). Losing a child isn’t something you “get over,” but you do move forward, carrying your child with you in your heart. There is healing, hope, peace, and even joy in the midst of the suffering.
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.“ 1 Samuel 1:27,28
Comments (2)
What you wrote is so true! Every life, no matter how short it is, is the most precious thing in the eyes of the Lord. I also have a friend who had a miscarriage at the end of last year…for an “outsider” like me, meaning a woman who has never had a miscarriage, it’s hard to find the right words, to be honest, sometimes I didn’t know what I should say to my friend and was just “there” for her and listened to her. When you had your miscarriage, what helped you? I mean, what should I say to my friend who has had a miscarriage? It’s hard…
Love and blessings
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@lunemoon - Yes, it is hard to know what to say. Even as an “insider” I’m not always sure what to say. Being there to listen is a wonderful thing. I know it helped me a lot to talk about what happened. I think just acknowledging the life of the baby and understanding how painful the loss is, speaks volumes. The most hurtful thing for me was people who pretended as if nothing had happened. I think it’s important to give a sympathy card, too, just as you would if an older child or other member of the family died. If you’re not sure what to say, tell that to your friend. Say something like “I don’t have the words to express my sympathy and I certainly don’t understand how you’re feeling but I know this is a great loss for you and I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Things like preparing meals or running errands for someone who just lost a child are very helpful, too. And, most importantly, pray! Knowing that people were praying for me after losing Francis was very comforting and brought me a lot of peace in the midst of my grief.
Love and blessings to you, too.
Oh, and one more thing, being as it’s been a year since your friend’s miscarriage, you could do a little something for her now to show that her baby has not been forgotten. One thing I do for my sister-in-law who lost a baby shortly before I did is make a donation in memory of her daughter every Christmas. She gets a nice card in memory of her Maria from the pro-life organization. As mothers, of course we never forget our children and it means a lot to us to know that other people (especially those outside the family) remember our precious babies, too.