July 30, 2009
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Bittersweet Excitement
Nine months ago, I couldn’t wait for July 26 to arrive. July 26 was a day that held great promise for our future – the day we were supposed to welcome our first child into the world. But now, July 26 has come and gone and there is no baby in my arms, no late-night feedings to wake up for, no diapers to change. The pain I felt when we found out that we had lost our precious baby (January 13, a day I will surely never forget) has resurfaced this month as my due date drew near.
Though the pain of our loss is still very real, we also have reason to celebrate. I’m pregnant again – 11 weeks as of today. It’s a bittersweet feeling to know this new life growing within my womb could not exist without the loss of another. I love both of my babies with all my heart (though I have yet to meet either of them) and I cannot help but wish there were some way they could both still be with me now.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to be a wife and mother. I’ve always had a love for babies and children. This deep desire to be a mother makes the loss of a child, especially a first child, the child that makes a woman a mother, especially hard to bear. This same desire makes a pregnancy all the more exciting and joyful. The mix of sorrow and joy I’m feeling today is hard to put into words.
I’m extremely grateful for both of my babies. The first, Francis, has changed me into a better, more compassionate and loving person and wife. Francis made me a mother – though not exactly as I would have planned – I’m certain I will be a better mother and will cherish my children more because of Francis. The second, my miracle baby, brings me joy everyday. As I often rest my hand on my growing belly, I am filled with hope and can’t help but smile.
God has greatly blessed my husband and me. We definitely had our share of suffering and difficulties in our first year of marriage, but we’ve come out stronger, better people – closer to each other and closer to God. Our lives are far from perfect and there are still several challenges ahead, but we have our faith and we have each other. Combined with the promise of new life, I’d say our future is looking pretty bright.
Comments (5)
Well, congratulations to you! I am so happy for you! I know you must have such mixed emotions. I can’t imagine the grief you must have felt as the expected due date of your lost child approached. But praise God for this new miracle of life! You have survived a lot over the past year and you still have such a great disposition and outlook on life. That is a wonderful characterisitc to have! Its so wonderful how you can pull the good out of the bad things you have had to go through. God bless you and I will be keeping you and your new little blessing in my prayers!
@chosenandblessed - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I am sorry about your first child, but am happy you are to have your second. Congratulations and praise God!
-Ariel
I visited your site quite awhile ago. I believe it was right after your miscarriage, and I just decided to stop back over again. I’m so glad that I did. What wonderful news!! Congratulations!!! I am so excited for you, even though I don’t know you. Lol. It is obvious how much you want this baby. I’ll stop now and say a prayer for the continued health of you and your baby.
@leannenannette - Thank you so much! Yes, my husband and I are so excited for this baby! Thank you for the prayer, too, that means so much!