April 15, 2009
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Long Overdue Update
I can’t even remember the last time I sat down and actually wrote something here – from the heart. Since I lost Francis, I’ve done a lot of “traditional” (pen and paper) journaling. I’ve had a lot of feelings that I needed to get out, but my thoughts were much too personal to broadcast here.
I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. On November 16, when I saw that little pink plus sign on the pregnancy test, I was the happiest I’d been since my wedding day. In that moment, my dreams of being a mother had finally come true and I knew my life would never be the same. In the next few weeks, I bonded with the baby growing within me. I was constantly caressing my ever-expanding belly and saying, “I love you baby.” I grew to love my baby just as much as any mother has ever loved any child. I cried tears of joy on December 9 at my first ultrasound; seeing and hearing the perfect heartbeat of my precious little peanut was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced.
For the next month, I went happily about my business reading baby books and thinking of baby names. I started collecting baby things (free samples of Desitin, Christmas gifts from family, baby clothes I couldn’t resist buying) in a shoe box. I started looking at cribs and thinking about turning our office/guest room into a nursery. I signed up for email updates about my baby’s development and thoroughly enjoyed learning about the stages my baby was going through. Or at least, the stages I thought my baby was going through…
My happy dreams came to a screeching halt on January 13 at my second ultrasound. This time, when I saw my precious little peanut on the ultrasound screen, there was no heartbeat. I was crushed. The hopes and dreams I had for my child had vanished in an instant. Just as when I saw that little pink plus sign, my life was forever changed.
Francis Lindner, my precious little peanut, was welcomed into this world with open arms, an open heart, and nothing but love, joy and excitement. Though my child only lived within my womb for eight weeks, Francis has forever changed my life. I may not have a baby on my hip or a big pregnant belly under my shirt, but I am a mother. My child lives on forever in heaven and will be carried forever with me in my heart.
Comments (6)
Aw Brenda I’m so sorry you went through this. Yes, you are a mother and one day you will get to meet your baby in heaven!
Thanks for sharing. So sorry that you’ve gone through this.
aww huggies to u xxxxx
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I cannot imagine how painful it is. I know that I’m not around and we aren’t that close of friends, but if there’s anything that I can do, please do let me know. In the meanwhile, I will continue to pray for yours and your family’s healing.
Francis is watching over you and your husband. He is your your little angel and intercessor. Never lost hope for through God, nothing is impossible. God loves your family
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@Jeffnaman - Thank you for this comment. And thank you for calling our precious Francis by name…not many people have done so. As hard as this has been, my faith and trust in God has not been shaken. I know that God loves us and has wonderful plans for our family. All I can do is continue to trust Him and stand firm in my faith. Oh, and of course, pray, pray, pray!